


if i had more than my ambition

by melodramatic



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Depression, Fluff, High School, Kid Fic, M/M, Physical Disability, Prom, im so sorry, josh is empathetic, juvenile parkinsons disease, no capitalization, two happy boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-09-30 01:43:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10150361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodramatic/pseuds/melodramatic
Summary: everything on tyler shakes - his hands, his legs, and occasionally, his jaw. but josh still holds him close, because josh doesn't mind.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> please enjoy

tyler's parents told him they knew he was going to be an athlete because of the way he came out of the womb. he came out kicking and screaming, and no matter what, he wouldn't sleep throughout the night.

they told him how he always would raise his hands and grab at the air, but when they picked him up, he cried. they told him how when he was a toddler, they couldn't keep him in one spot for more than one minute from the moment he learned to walk.

they weren't at all surprised that he met his best friend at the park. they ended up learning that the two boys went to the same school, and from there they were inseperable.

_("tag, you're it!" tyler cried, running in the opposite direction as fast as he could._

_"hey that's not fair, i wasn't ready!" josh shouted, running after him._

_tyler laughed in victory as he ran around the backyard knowing good and well that josh had little chance of catching up to him.)_

it was only when tyler turned thirteen that things started to change. his fourteenth birthday was right around the corner, but that was not what was on tyler's mind.

he was wondering why his aim was constantly being thrown off when he tried to shoot a basketball. he was wondering why his handwriting was becoming shaky.

_(tyler looked at josh, ginning mischievously. he knew he had this game in the bag. josh wasn't bad a basketball, but he wasn't as good as tyler. tyler pivoted around josh and ran up to the basket, jumping to dunk the ball._

_his feet were about to lift from the ground when suddenly they gave out beneath him, and he fell, blood filling his mouth from where he bit his tongue._

_"oh my god, tyler are you okay?")_

tyler got up from where he was laying on his bed. he had been sitting there for almost an hour now, listening to everyone outside of his room go about their morning routine. he looked down at his hands. they were shaking violently. he had been trying to get them to stop shaking, but they disobeyed them.

he wasn't angry, though.

he was scared.

he slowly left his room and tapped his mom on the shoulder.

she turned away from the pancake she was flipping and looked at him.

"oh, there you are. i was about to go get you up. it's time to get ready for school."

tyler lifted his hands, "mom, look."

it took her a second to realize what she was looking at, but afterwards her eyes widened in shock.

"are you doing that on purpose?" she asked.

tyler shook his head. he felt tired.

he saw the wheels turning behind his mother's eyes. she went to the fridge and poured him a glass of water.

"here, drink some water. you're probably just dehydrated."

tyler nodded and clasped the glass of water carefully, trying not to drop it. he downed it quickly, and then went to his room to get ready for school.

she dropped him off, and told him to let her know if his hands stopped shaking or not.

he nodded and headed inside: all he wanted to do was tell josh.

"woah, that's kinda cool actually," josh said, once tyler found him and showed him the same way he had showed his mother.

tyler raised an eyebrow, "how is this cool?"

"i don't know. it looks like you have superpowers or something."

tyler shrugged. he supposed josh wasn't wrong. 

josh didn't think it was as cool, though, when he asked tyler if he wanted to go outside and explore before classes started, and tyler shook his head. he was tired. he wasn't feeling it today. 

"i kinda just want to go sit down somewhere," tyler told him.

josh frowned, "are you okay?" he put a hand on tyler's shoulder, "why are you sad?"

"i'm not sad. i just don't feel good."

josh didn't seem to completely believe him, but nevertheless he put his arm around tyler's shoulder and guided him to their first class (which, of course, they had together).

"okay. well we can just sit in ms. duke's class until class starts, then."

"you can go out if you want, josh."

"no, i don't really feel like it either."

tyler knew josh was lying, but he also knew that he was secretly glad josh wanted to stay with him. he let josh's arm guide them to the classroom, and he never took his eyes from the floor.

(/)

tyler had his head in his hands in frustration. he was sitting criss-cross on his bed, unsucessfully trying to keep his tears back. josh was rubbing circles into his shoulderblades, trying his best to be comforting.

"i can't even do my _homework_ , josh" tyler said, removing his tear-stained hands from his eyes. he held them before him and they were shaking harder than they ever had. he was trying his best to write a rough draft of an essay for his english class, and the simple task of gripping a pencil proved difficult - nevermind actually writing out a sentence.

josh didn't know what to say. he had no idea what was going on with tyler. they were all still waiting for the test results to come back from when tyler went to the doctor's office a few days ago, but other than that, there was hardly a sure answer.

tyler hiccuped, "even my legs shake. i can't do anything." his tone was soft yet tortured. 

"tyler, don't think like that," josh said, bring tyler close to him. tyler cradled himself to fit in josh's chest, and josh ran his finger's through the boy's hair, doing what his mom did when he cried.

"you can do lots of things."

tyler looked up at him and josh thought his wet eyelashes were pretty.

josh's hand twitched.

"like what?" tyler asked.

"you can still play the piano," josh responded.

tyler sniffled, "yeah, i guess. not as good as i used to, though."

josh shrugged, "it's better than nothing."

tyler agreed silently, and although his tears had stopped, he put his head back on josh's chest. 

josh cradled him in his arms, treating him like a porcelain doll. he knew tyler was strong, but even the strongest couldn't be the strongest all of the time. 

"you don't have to stay if you don't want to." tyler offered half-heartedly.

"i want to. you're my best friend."

josh was looking down at tyler and tyler was looking down at the bedsheets. this seemed to be the way things went.

before he knew it, tyler's breaths steadied and his body relaxed from where he was being held in josh's arms.

josh took a deep breath.

he laid tyler down length-wise, so that his head was resting on the pillow. and in this state, he looked peaceful. his expression was peaceful, that was.

his hands were violently shaking, and his jaw twitched every few moments.

josh's heart sank into his stomach. if he could take all of the pain and aches that tyler was experiencing at that moment, he would. he would take it all just to know that tyler was okay.

but that wasn't possible.

so instead, josh got up from tyler's bed, and flicked the lights off before exiting his room. 

"kelly? um, tyler's sleeping. so, i'm just gonna go," he said to tyler's mom, who was helping tyler's brother, zack, with a science project.

"he fell asleep?" she asked.

"yeah. he wasn't feeling too well."

kelly frowned, "poor boy. i feel so bad for him. well, thanks for coming over and helping him out, josh."

"you're welcome," he said, retrieving his backpack from the floor of the living room, and heading out, walking to his house which was just two blocks away. 

he thought of tyler, he thought of tyler's tremors, and he thought of tyler's homework. 

he wanted to help. he felt it in his heart - he wanted to help.

 but he was fourteen - a mere six months older than tyler, so therefore there was not much that he could do.

josh had trouble falling asleep that night and it must've been the crows screeching outside of his bedroom window.

(/)

tyler had on a pair of black skinny jeans, a black hoodie, and black vans when he stood in front of the mirror and evaluated himself. he thought he looked good.

he put his hands in his pockets.

he looked normal.

nobody could see the weakness he felt in his legs, and when his hands were hidden you wouldn't even be able to tell that he had trouble turning the shower knob that morning or that he dropped his spoon into his bowl of cereal which caused the milk to splash in his face.

tyler chuckled at his reflection. he looked good, but he felt pathetic.

he exited his room and stood by the door, waiting for his mom to take him to the doctor's office. his parents had let him skip school altogether that morning, and even though he knew he'd have to make up several assignments the second he got back on campus, he didn't mind the extra rest.

"you ready?" his mom asked, emerging from her room and grabbing her keys from her purse.

tyler nodded.

"let's go, then," she said, and even though she was typically a very fast walker, she walked down the stairs slowly with him, and opened the car door for him. he felt a twinge of guilt for all of the trouble she was going through to accommodate him, but he wouldn't dare deny her assistance.

they drove to the doctor's office in silence, with tyler looking out the window the whole time.

when they entered the office, the secretary recognized them immediately, and tyler's stomach churned for what seemed to be the 100th time that day.

"mrs. joseph, tyler! nice to see you two again!" she stood up and shook their hands, and tyler's smile faltered when her gaze lingered on tyler's hands for a moment.

"how are you two today?" she asked.

tyler's mom looked at him, and then back at the receptionist, "we're good. how are you?"

"i'm good, thank you. i'll see if doctor brown is ready for you guys," she said as she picked up the phone next to her computer and dialed an extension.

she spoke softly, and while she was talking, tyler looked around at the room. it was nicely decorated, with very typical motivational posters hanging on the walls. there was a fishtank in the corner that tyler wanted to get closer to. instead of doing that, though, he made his way to the nearest chair and took a seat.

the receptionist hung up the phone, had a few quick words with tyler's mom, and sooner than tyler had anticipated, they were heading inside.

tyler immediately took a seat on the patient's bed, his mom following shortly behind, and suddenly there was no such thing as small talk. tyler looked down at the tiled flooring. it was clean, but it wasn't welcoming.

"nice to see you two again," doctor brown said, and he turned to tyler an intense interest in his eyes, "how have you been recently, tyler?"

tyler shrugged, "i've been fine. the same."

"have the tremors stopped or calmed down at all?"

tyler shook his head.

"can i see your hands?" he asked, holding his palms out.

tyler gingerly placed his hands in the doctor's, and was embarassed upon seeing how bad they shook. he was hoping this wouldn't take long, as he felt much more comfortable when his own hands were out of sight.

doctor brown flipped tyler's hands over and inspected every single inch of them. he hummed in the back of his throat.

"okay, well," he gave tyler his hands back, and he hid them in his jacket pocket, "i have some news for you. it's not good news, but it's not bad news."

"how does that work?" his mother asked.

"well," doctor brown took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, "the thing is... we would like to do a few more tests on tyler. if that's alright with the both of you."

"wait, why? what more is there to figure out?"

"it's not necessarily that we have more we need to find, it would be more for... confirmation on what the test results have shown."

tyler looked down at his feet. normally they didn't shake, but normally he wasn't sitting on something with enough height to suspend his feet.

"well, what did the results say?"

the doctor went to his computer and pulled up images. at first glace, they looked like some typical x-ray you'd see in a movie, only tyler and his mom both looked closer to see that that was actually tyler's brain that they were looking at.

tyler felt exposed. he didn't want to see this, he didn't want to be here.

"so, tyler, this is your brain. it might not seem like there is anything abnormal about it, but." the picture abruptly changed to a different brain, and then the pictures were put on the screen at the same time - the different brain scan taking up the left side and tyler's brain on the right.

"this," he said pointing to the brain on the left, "is an average brain. see these two red streaks down the middle?"

tyler's mom nodded, but tyler was still.

"this is what we needed to see in order to make sure everything was fine. but as you can see," he pointed to tyler's brain and how the red streaks were so much smaller and more insignificant than the other's, "we don't see that. the red is almost not even visible at this point."

"so what does that represent?" his mom asked.

"frankly, it's the deterioration of neurons in the brain. those neurons are critical parts in nerve function, smooth mobility, and they also produce dopamine. and the lack of these are, unfotunately, all symptoms of juvenile parkinsonism."

tyler's mom was still for a second, until she looked at tyler, and then back at the doctor.

tyler remembers doing a report on patients with parkinson's disease in his biology class. he remembers reading that almost every single case he read about was someone in their late 50's and older. he vaguley recalled reading about how a few young children had been diagnosed as early as age 7, but those cases were one-in-a-lifetime occurrences, and he skipped over them, not even bothering to write about them in his report.

but now, as he was sitting in the doctor's office with his heart in his stomach, he wished he would have done a bit more research on the disease because all he had to go off of right now was what the doctor was telling him.

"wait, what?" his mother said, a hand over her heart as if he personally offended her.

"parkinsons disease?! that's - that's impossible! he's not even fourteen yet! no one under the age of 40 has parkinson's disease!"

doctor brown calmly put his glasses back on, and spoke in a soothing tone, "listen, i know this is a lot to take in. it is extremely rare that someone as young as tyler has parkinson's, but it has happened before, and thankfully, there are treatments i can perscribe to you."

the rest of the conversation was a blur (he heard something about a wheelchair in there and he almost wanted to vomit), and tyler's mom said she would talk to her husband and to tyler before allowing him to undergo any more tests. tyler didn't know whether it was ten minutes, 30 minutes, or an hour later, but his mom was in line at the pharmacy for his new perscription, while he waited in the car. doctor brown gave explicit instructions on how much, and how often to take them, but he couldn't remember. they were written on the bottle anyway, so tyler wasn't worried.

the ride home was silent, but it was a different silence from their ride to the doctor's office. when they got home, tyler's mom immediately called his father and she went into their room to take the phone call in private. tyler sunk into the living room couch, sighing.

he opened his phone to see he had three missed messages, all from josh.

_josh (8:03): hey where are you?_

_josh (8:10): oh wait today is your doctor appointment huh?_

_josh (8:45): this class is so boring help me :(_

tyler chuckled and typed out a response.

_tyler (10:14): can you come over today?_

_josh (10:15): of course, dude._

_tyler (10:16): wanna spend the night?_

_josh (10:16): yeah sure. i'll bring my video games_

_tyler (10:17): so i can beat you again?_

_josh (10:17): in your dreams, joseph_

tyler smiled and rolled his eyes fondly. even though they saw each other almost everyday, he couldn't wait to see josh when he came home crom school. he typed out a response and put his phone back in his pocket, resting his back against the couch.

he was tired. too tired to take his shoes off, too tired to make his way to bed. he felt exhausted, but not just physcially. it was a new wave of mental sluggishness that was far more taxing than any physical tiredness he had. he lied down on the couch and fell asleep before his mother could appear back into the living room.

he awoke a few minutes later to his mom gently shaking his shoulder.

"tyler. ty, honey. c'mon you have to wake up, you need to take this medication."

his eyelids fluttered open and he sat up straight. his mom was at the end if the couch, stroking his hair while he came to.

"i'm tired, mom."

"i know, sweetie."

she opened the bottle cap and took two from it, carefully reading the label before giving them to tyler.

"now, doctor brown said that this medication is just experimental for now, and if it doesn't work, then we can go back and try something else okay?"

tyler nodded, and took the pills, swallowing them without water. his mom stood up and went into the kitchen, and tyler looked down at his hands, wondering when the medicine would kick in.

"here, eat something," his mom said, appearing by his side with a sandwhich. tyler wordlessly took it from her, taking one small bite. he wasn't hungry, but he knew from experience that something was better than nothing, so he took another bite.

"i have to go run a few errands, but on my way back i'll to stop by the medical supply store to get you a wheelchair, okay?"

"mom, i don't need a wheelchair, i can walk just fine."

"tyler, you've fallen down far too many times for it to be okay. when we find a medicine that can reduce your shaking significantly, then you won't have to use it. but for now, i think it'd be best."

tyler simply nodded, lacking any sort of motivation to continue arguing.

"i'll be back in an hour," she bent down and kissed his head.

he looked at his sandwhich, and it seemed to be staring back up at him in dissapointment. he was halfway through it and he really should've finished it, but when his mom left the house, he promptly threw it away.

he went into the bathroom, peeled his clothes off and carefully climbed into the shower.

he gripped the shower handles as hard as he could and twisted the knob, his hands only slipping once. he stood up straight and let the water pound against his skin. steam filled up the entire bathroom, and the water was almost unbearably hot. but tyler didn't mind. he looked at his feet, and watch the veins in his legs showcase themselves as he struggled to keep himself upright.

_("i'm going to stop by the medical supply store to get you a wheelchair")_

tyler sighed heavily, but he felt too spent to cry. instead, he took his loofa pad and scrubbed himself until his skin was burning red even more than it had been from the water.

his feet lifted, trying to get out of the shower, but he slipped and fell backwards, hitting his head against the back of the shower and he cried out in pain.

he didn't care about the pain, though, and he wasn't overly concerned with his new headache. the only thought on his mind was how long it would take him to get up from this position. his legs were hanging over the bath wall, and the rest of his body was in the actual bath.

he looked up to the ceiling and took several deep breaths.

it took about five minutes, but he lifted himself from the bath floor and wrapped a towel around his body, making his way to his room.

he dried himself off and put on the fluffiest, most comfortable pajamas he had.

he got under the blankets, and stared at the opposite wall, the darkness encompassing him. it was comforting like the night sky, but it was reprimanding like the night sky. it was like how the moon would smile sweetly at him while simultaneously scratching at the floor inside his mind.

he squeezed his eyes tight, but did not fall asleep. he wanted to see josh.

it was 4:00pm when josh finally arrived. 

it was 11:00pm when the rest of the house was silent and they were the only two up, telling each other funny stories in tyler's bedroom. his wheelchair was in the corner, as he didn't want to use it, despite knowing just how badly he needed it.

"so how long will you have it for?" josh asked.

they were under tyler's bedsheets, a flashlight inbetween them.

tyler shrugged, "until i can walk normally, i guess."

josh frowned, "i wish there was something i could do."

"it's okay. i think i'm already feeling better with this medicine." tyler held up his hands and he couldn't actually tell if the shaking decreased at all or not. his jaw felt normal, though, which was always a plus.

tyler laid his head down on his pillow, looking up at josh who was propping his head up on his elbow. for a second, nothing else outside of the blanket existed. it was just tyler and josh, and josh and tyler. 

tyler felt something stir in his chest as he took note of how big josh's eyes were. they were big and they were bright. they were always bright. 

he briefly wondered if they were a bit too old to be laying under the sheets together like this. then he remembered that it didn't matter. because it was different with josh. the two of them were on an entire different plane than everyone else and tyler wanted to keep it that way.

he slowly reached out so that his hand rested on top of the hand that josh had between them.

"josh?" he asked quietly.

josh's adam's apple bobbed, and his gaze became more intense, "yeah?"

"will you still hang out with me and stuff? when, like, i go to school in a wheelchair?"

josh's eyebrows creased, but tyler didn't look up at him. he kept his eyes on his hand that was tracing josh's fingers. they shook, like always, but josh didn't seem bothered.

"of course i will, tyler. i'll always hang out with you."

tyler didn't respond. he continued to trace patterns on josh's hand.

"it doesn't matter weather you're in a wheelchair or not. i'll always - you'll always be my best friend."

tyler gulped and his eyes stung. he had a special place in his heart for the boy that was sharing a blanket with him and he was desperately trying not to overthink it.

suddenly josh flipped his hand so that he held tyler's in his palm. tyler finally looked up and they made eye contact.

josh's face was mixed with so many emotions, that tyler couldn't differentiate one from the other. 

"i mean it, ty."

"i know you do, josh."

there was a silence that passed and tyler didn't know if josh was going to say anything else. either way, tyler spoke up.

"you'll always be my best friend, too." 

josh smiled and looked at their hands. they should've been keeping their hands to themseves, but neither one of them was willing to separate.

tyler yawned, and josh followed suit.

"tired?" josh asked.

tyler nodded. josh shut the flashlight off and dropped it off of the side of the bed, then cuddled up next to tyler, lowering the blanket to their chins. they were eye-to-eye, even though it was so dark they could feel each other more than they could see one another.

"i shake a lot in my sleep, just so you know."

"i don't mind," josh said.

tyler sighed deeply and cuddled in closer so that his head was tucked right below josh's neck. he felt like this was far too much contact for two just-friend's, but then again, they had always been very affectionate with each other. it's just how they were.

tyler couldn't bring himself to care, though, because he never felt as comfortable as when he was with josh. especially in this position - he would never say it aloud, but cuddling was his favorite. 

and he would never ask josh why his heart was beating so rapidly in his chest, because he was afraid he already knew the answer.

(/)

on the fourth day that tyler had his wheelchair, he asked josh if he wanted to come over but tyler said he had to stay home. he wasn't feeling well. josh understood and tyler ignored any further texts.

he turned the faucet to his bathtub on, and sat down in it, waiting for the water to fill the tub. the water was scalding hot, but tyler didn't mind. the pain distracted him from whatever else was on his mind.

when the tub was full, he turned the faucet off and sank himself further and futher down into the bathtub.

the water encompassed his ears, his mouth, his nose, then his eyes, and then everything was silent. the only noise was the sound of the water moving around him. it was peaceful. it felt like nothing.

he wanted to preserve this feeling.

he wanted to feel nothing forever. he wanted his eyelids black and his mind blank for as long as time existed. he wanted time to go on without him - leave him alone because all it seemed to do was bring him down.

this state of mind - this empty, waterlogged state of mind was his favorite.

but his lungs started to burn and his face started to contort.

he had no choice but to relent.

he shot up from the water, gasping for air, and immediately regretted the decision. he wished he would've stayed under. he wished his lungs were still burning and his nostrils were still itching.

tyler quickly washed himself, then drained the bathtub and got out, making his way to bed and denying any offers for "something to eat, tyler, please you haven't eaten all day."

he tucked himself under his blankets and thought about taking a bath. he thought about not getting up from the water next time.

and when his eyes shot open at 4am because he dreamed about running, shooting hoops, and doing cartwheels he let tears fall from his eyes.

_(useless, worthless)_

he itched at his wrist and his eyes strained to check the time.

_(meaningless, degenerate)_

he needed an escape. his chest was heavy and his throat was full. he took a deep breath and bit his lip. he checked the bed next to him. his little brother was sound asleep.

_(unimportant, insignificant)_

he turned away so that he was facing the wall. his entire body shook fiercely, and he wished oh how he wished he had never gotten up from his bathtub.

_(miserable, miserable)_

it was 5:15am when he finally got back to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

the first time tyler arrived to school in a wheelchair, he felt uncomfortable, he felt alone, and he felt his skin crawl with every unfamiliar eyeball directed toward him. he went straight to the guidance counselor's office, and they set him up in the special ed class, despite his protests. he would only get to see josh during recess and lunch at this point, and he was not okay with that.

"it's okay," josh said when tyler first complained to him. they were at josh's house, in the living room playing on his nintendo.

"we'll still see each other."

tyler nodded, but said nothing. a few moments passed by where the only sound was the buttons on their controllers.

"i don't like the way people look at me," tyler said out of the blue.

josh paused the game and looked him, "what do you mean?"

tyler looked down at his feet, his eyes only flicking to josh. "they just... people keep staring at me. it makes me feel weird."

josh scooted closer to him from his position on the couch. tyler was sitting on the couch, as well, claiming that it was far more comfortable than his wheelchair.

"don't pay attention to them, tyler. they're just being stupid."

tyler set his controller down, the motivation to play anything suddenly gone from his system.

"josh, why did this have to happen to me?" tyler asked. he held his hands in front of himself and they were still shaking. he was told that the medicine may take another week or so to fully benefit him, but he was getting impatient. 

josh put his hand on tyler's lower back, "i don't know." 

tyler sniffled and rubbed at his nose, "i'm tired."

"do you want to lay down in my bed?" josh asked.

tyler nodded.

josh picked him up bridal-style, and even though they both knew tyler could've walked there, he didn't deny the assistance. josh laid him down carefully, and tucked him in. 

"goodnight, tyler," josh said, running his fingers through the smaller boy's hair.

"goodnight, josh," he responded, "and thank you," he said in a softer voice. 

"you're welcome." josh stayed there for a second watching tyler slowly shut his eyes, and his head lolled to the side. josh didn't know if he was actually asleep or not, but he bent down and kissed him on the forehead anyway. 

tyler's eye twitched, and josh assumed it was his disorder.

(/)

in retrospect, the wheelchair came and went fairly quickly. tyler only had it for a few weeks altogether, and he could get around just fine with his personally designed cane. it was sleek and black, and had a hook for where he could rest his hand. 

he was seventeen when he finally had learned to ignore the inquisitive looks from strangers. he was sure he'd be shocked too, if he had only ever associated canes with the elderly, only to see a young man using one the next day.

his parents had decided to enroll him in an online school rather than public school, as it was much easier to type than to write. the medication helped him a lot. his hands still shook, but it was almost insignificant.

josh was there through everything, though. he helped him to bed occasionally, helped him reach things on higher shelves, and held things for him when his hands were too weak to do so. 

and tyler couldn't help but see josh a bit differently.

especially when josh came back from jogging around the block, and his hair was matted to his forehead, the veins in his arms and neck were more defined, and he was slightly out of breath. tyler would try his best to supress whatever burning sensation he felt in one of his lower organs, and he would never tell josh about what they did in his dream the night before.

and when tyler would watch josh focus on a math assignment, his lips moving wordlessly, he would never tell him why. josh would catch him in the act and they would laugh about it, and tyler's heart would jump when those familiar little lines appeared next to josh's eyes.

so when josh told tyler about everything that was happening at school, tyler listened intently.

"do you remember trina? i think she was in your biology class," josh said, picking a peice of apple off of his plate and biting it.

tyler thought for a moment, "oh yeah i think so. what about her?"

"well, she asked me out to prom." he said, gauging tyler's reaction carefully.

tyler tried his best to keep an even tone, "oh, did she?"

"yup."

"what did you say?"

"um well," he put his apple slice back on his plate and faced tyler fully, "i told her no. i feel bad because she was really nice, but..."

"but what?"

"i was actually wondering if you would like to come with me? to prom?"

tyler's eyebrows shot up and he left his mouth agape.

"really?"

josh's neck turned red, "yeah. i mean, if you don't want to-"

"no, josh, i'd love to. that'd be - that'd be sick."

josh smiled widely, and tyler's heart fluttered.

"i was hoping you'd say yes," josh admitted softly.

"you were?" tyler asked. he was surprised, but then again, he wasn't.

"of course, dude. there's no one else i'd rather go with."

tyler couldn't help the blush that was creeping up on his cheeks. he was hoping josh didn't see it, but then again, he knew he did.

"look at us," josh said, "we're just two happy boys."

and they both burst out in laughter.

by the time josh's parents got home, tyler had agreed to help josh study for his finals in his room. josh's brothers and sisters were all doing their own thing as well, so no one really bothered them. 

"okay, question one:" tyler said, holding up josh's test prep and clearing his throat, "george grenville viewed the stamp act as primarily a means to...?"

josh looked up at the ceiling and thought, a small smirk on his face.

"to raise revenue for the crown?" he asked, unsure.

"is that your final answer?" 

"uh, yes."

tyler looked at the answer sheet then back up at josh, "wow, you got that one right, actually."

josh laughed, "oh, seriously? nice."

tyler cleared his throat again, "question two: if you could have coffee with anyone - living or dead - who would you choose?"

josh giggled, "hey, this isn't an actual question on the test."

"just answer it," tyler said.

"um," josh thought for a second, "tyler."

tyler laughed again, as he knew good and well that was what josh's answer was going to be. most of their time was spent laughing and not enough time was spent studying, but by the end of the night, when tyler got home, he was feeling alright. 

tyler walked into his house, walking up to his mom and tapping her on the shoulder. she was sitting at the computer, and she turned around.

"oh, hey ty. how was josh's?"

"it was good as always. he, um," tyler lowered his voice, "he asked me to prom."

her eyes widened, "josh asked you to prom?"

tyler's father came out of the kitchen and joined their conversation, "wait what happened?"

"josh asked me to prom," tyler repeated.

his mom and dad looked at each other. 

"what?" tyler asked, "what's wrong?"

his mother shrugged, "nothing. i just didn't know... you never told us you were interested in josh as more than a friend."

tyler looked towards the ground at his feet, then at his cane, then back up to his parents.

"well, yeah. i mean, i kind of thought you already knew."

"well, sure, we suspected-"

"woah, woah woah, who's we?" his father interjected, "i always thought they were just friends."

"honey," his mom said, tilting her head, "really? i mean c'mon, they're always together."

"so? that's how me and my best friend were growing up."

she shook her head and looked back at tyler, getting up from her chair. she pulled him into a tight hug, "well, i'm happy for you, sweetheart. josh is the perfect guy for you."

"thanks, mom."

"congrats, ty," his father said, rustling his hair, "i guess it's pretty obvious now that i'm thinking about it."

they all chuckled, and went about their regular routines. tyler went into his sister's room and told her the same thing.

"and josh likes you back?" she asked.

tyler shrugged, "i'm not sure actually. he might just want to go as friends."

she nodded, but understood, as she always did. she was only eleven at the time, but was quite mature for her age.

and when he told his two brothers, it was all so comical that tyler wasn't even sure they understood what he was telling them.

"i'm telling you, it's the cane. everybody loves a guy with a cane," his brother, zack, stated.

"oh my god you're such a weirdo," jay said, putting his face in his hands.

"it's true!" zack insisted, "how else would he be able to get someone as good looking as josh?"

they all paused and looked at him.

"not that i'm into him. i just - what? i can't appreciate a guy's looks every once in awhile?"

tyler laughed, "good lord, zack."

and they all laughed. tyler loved his family, he really did. he knew it wasn't necessary to tell each one of his family members about his feelings for josh, but he was just so excited he wanted the whole world to know. so his family was a good place to start.

and if he dreamed of roses, tuxes, and kisses that night nobody could really blame him.

(/)

it was saturday evening and tyler's mom and sister were helping him get dressed. his sister was mostly just sitting on her bed, watching their mom help him.

"mom, i know how to tie a bowtie," tyler pouted, watching as his mother tied the tie over and over again until it was just right.

"you may know how to tie a bowtie, but you can't tie it as well as i can," she said, still concentrating.

"mom, can you teach me how to tie a bowtie?" his sister asked.

"sure, maddy, later."

she finished tying to tie, and then guided tyler to his full-length mirror. she clapped, happy with herself.

"oh my goodness, you look so handsome."

tyler smiled softly and looked at his reflection. he looked good. he hoped josh would think the same. 

"i'm nervous," tyler said quietly.

"don't be, sweetheart. i'm sure you'll have a great time with josh. just don't stay out too late, alright? you have physical therapy in the morning."

tyler nodded. he took a deep breath right as there was a knock on the door. he was the only one that jumped. he could hear his father greet josh and his mother from the living room. tyler shook his head and headed out, and once they made eye contact, it was all over.

josh had a sleek black tuxedo on, and it made him look a bit older than he actually was. tyler's heart raced in his chest, and despite the fact that he was also wearing a suit, he felt underdressed.

josh walked up to him, and tyler's eyes flicked to a small clear box he was holding in his hands.

"you look really good, ty."

tyler overtly blushed, ducking his head down. "thanks. you too." 

josh smiled and opened the box he was holding, "here, i have a corsage. for you." he said taking it out of the encasing and wrapping it around tyler's wrist.

tyler brought it closer to his face and it looked at it.

"thank you," he said, cursing for voice for being so creaky all of the time, "it's beautiful."

"i know. i was trying to get it to resemble you," josh said.

tyler playfully rolled his eyes, "whatever, dude. you're so cheesy."

they both laughed, and then tyler's mother called them to attention.

"get together boys, we need pictures," she said as both she and josh's mom took out their phones.

tyler and josh stood side by side, and josh put his arm around tyler's waist. tyler shifted his cane to his left hand so that he could wrap his right arm around josh's waist.

tyler's mom cooned, "aw, look at our boys, laura."

josh's mom wiped a tear from her eyes, "i know."

even tyler's father took his phone out to take a picture. 

josh turned towards tyler and whispered in his ear, "just two happy boys."

they both cracked up laughing, and tyler's mom scolded him for ruining the picture. he couldn't even remember when that joke between them started, but every time he hears it he can't help but laughing just a bit too hard.

"sorry, mom," tyler said. they stood still for another picture.

"alright you two. have a good night," tyler's mom said. they said their goodbyes to everyone and got into josh's mom's car: she let him have it for the night, and he was extremely excited to showcase his new driving skills.

thankfully they got to the high school in one piece, and when they walked into the auditorium, it was hardly recognizable. the walls were decorated with mutli-colored streamers, and there were posters everywhere displaying this year's theme: individuality.

"isn't individuality an odd theme for a prom? shouldn't it be something more romantic?" tyler asked.

josh shrugged, "i guess they're just going for the whole 'be who you want to be' shtick."

tyler pursed his lips and nodded, looking around the dance floor and recognizing a few faces from when he used to attend public school. 

they walked together, josh slowing his pace to accommodate tyler, and tyler trying his best not to stare back at the few people who were staring at him, no doubt wondering what kind of ailment he had.

"let's sit over here," josh said, putting his hand on tyler's lower back, and guiding him to an unoccupied table.

josh was about to say something when someone appeared next to their table.

"tyler?"

tyler looked to the right and immediately recognized the girl: she sat next to him in geometry class, and they got along pretty well, always choosing to work together when there were group projects.

"jenna! how are you?"

"i'm good!" her eyes flicked to tyler's cane, "how have you been? what - why did you switch schools?"

"i didn't switch, actually. i started doing all of my classes online. it worked better for my situation," tyler said gesturing to his cane.

she nodded her head, "oh, wow. well it's nice to see you again!" someone called her name and she excused herself, going back to her group of friends.

"who was that?" josh asked.

"jenna black. she sat next to me in math class. she was super sweet and really smart, so we got along pretty well."

josh nodded, "that's cool. hey, do-"

"josh, my man!"

josh turned his head and tyler could see a subtle frustration in his eyes.

"hey, dude, what's up!" he said, standing up, and greeting some guy tyler had never seen before. 

"nothing much. i thought you weren't coming to prom?" the guy asked.

"what? no, who told you that?"

"well trina said you didn't want to go with her so we all just assumed that you weren't going."

"well, i'm here. i just had a different date already," he said. 

the guy looked at tyler, and tyler waved politely.

"oh, are you... you guys are... together?"

josh and tyler made eye contact for a second, before tyler responded with a resounding "yup."

josh fixed his collar as his neck got a bit warm, and the guy's mouth opened and then closed. he patted josh on the shoulder, "well, hey, if that's your thing then good for you, man!"

josh chuckled, "thanks, tom."

"no problem, josh. see you out on the dance floor, alright?"

"yeah, sure."

josh sat back down, and they both looked at each other before cracking up in laughter.

"and who was that?" tyler asked, still laughing.

"that was tom heartford. he's not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer," he said, causing them both to laugh even harder. 

josh got them punch, and they sat there talking for a few minutes, the occasional girl or guy coming up to say a quick hello.

"i'll be right back," josh said, getting up and heading towards the dj. tyler thought nothing of it, of course, simply sitting and awaiting josh's return.

after the last fast song played, the music cut off completely, and the dj said something cliché about taking it slow. a softer song started to play, and couples gathered on the dancefloor to sway in each other's arms. 

josh walked up to tyler, and immediately tyler began to protest, "josh, you know i can't really dance-"

"i know," he reached his hand out, and tyler used it to stand up, clutching his cane tightly.

"follow me, instead," josh advised.

tyler didn't question the boy, he simply put his other hand in josh's and let him lead the two of them out of the back door, into the cold night air.

he stopped them when they were near enough to the building to still hear the music vibrating through the walls, but far enough down that they wouldn't be seen by any wanderers or chaperones. 

"c'mere," josh said, putting one hand on the small of tyler's back and pulling him closer. 

"josh, my cane-"

"you won't fall, don't worry. i got you." josh said. 

tyler rested his cane on the wall that they were right next to, as he linked both of his arms around josh's neck. 

josh held onto tyler tightly, his hands around tyler's torso. 

"do you trust me?" josh asked quietly.

"of course," tyler responded. he felt like every single inch of his body was on fire, even though it couldn't have been any warmer than 40 degrees outside. he had been this close to josh before, but never in such a suggestive and intimate way. he couldn't help but listen to the lyrics to the song that was playing, and think of how josh chose this specific one for the two of them.

_(settle down with me, and i'll be your safety. you'll be my lady.)_

tyler rested his head against josh's neck, and as they swayed softly to the music, tyler listened to josh's heartbeat, to josh's breathing.

_(i was made to keep your body warm. but i'm cold as the wind blows, so hold me in your arms.)_

"tyler?"

tyler looked up at josh, who appeared to be contemplating something behind his eyes. he was focus, and he was inquisitive.

_(my heart's against your chest)_

josh took a deep breath, and tyler felt his chest rise and fall.

_(your lips pressed to my neck)_

"you know that - that i love you, right?" 

_(i've fallen for your eyes, but they don't know me yet)_

tyler let himself just look at josh for a second, wanting to memorize every single part of his face at the moment.

"i know. i love you, too."

_(and with this feeling i'll forget)_

"can i kiss you, tyler?" josh asked. he was nervous: it was written in his expression. and if tyler were pressed any closer against josh, he was sure he'd feel it radiating off of him.

goosebumps raised on tyler's skin as he nodded.

_(i'm in love now)_

josh pressed his lips against tyler's, and it was such a brand new sensation that neither of them knew what to do for a second. then, as if something clicked, their mouths moved together in unison. josh's grip on tyler's back tightened, and he brought tyler closer so that their bodies were presses flush against one another. he was sure that they'd be seperated if a chaperone had seen them, but in the moment he didn't care. 

_(kiss me, like you wanna be loved)_

tongues got involved soon enough, and tyler's hands found themselves gripping the back of josh's hair. hands were wandering, mouths were passionate, and bodies were eager and tyler had never felt anything like it.

they seperated slowly, neither of them opening their eyes for a few seconds.

"oh," tyler breathed, his cheeks immediately flushing.

josh chuckled and pressed his forehead against tyler's.

"oh?" he asked.

tyler buried his face in josh's neck, and he felt josh's chest bump as he chuckled again.

tyler brought his face up to meet josh's, and they were both smiling softly. 

"i love you," tyler said, in the most earnest tone he had ever heard himself speak.

"i love you, too," josh responded and the words just felt so right, the way they were exchanged between the two of them.

josh kissed him again, deeper and more sure this time and tyler almost, _almost_ , forgot about his cane that was sitting to the left. he was sure that he would never feel anything more pure, and more secure than what he felt when josh was holding him close.

his friend, his best friend, and now more. 

and if he could ask for anything else in the world, he wasn't sure what it'd be.

because nothing existed except for him and josh.

it was beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for reading, and let me know what you think. i'd love to hear any comments, or critiques alike. the title was taken from _clown_ by emeli sandé
> 
> also the song lyrics at the end of chapter two were taken from _kiss me_ by ed sheeran
> 
> stay alive, friends


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